Red Robin...Yummm!

70 Worcester Providence Turnpike, Millbury, MA or maybe There's Yummm Near You (actually the slogan of their locations page. Yes, with three Ms)

Ignore the fact that this burger looks like it was
run over by a bus. Emily is a messy eater and
should not be allowed in public.

What We Ordered:

Whiskey River BBQ: Basted with our signature
bourbon-infused Whiskey River^® BBQ Sauce and
lassoed together with Cheddar cheese, crispy onion
straws, lettuce, fresh tomatoes & mayo.

 

Pros:

Carly-Rae Jepsen look alike waitress

Bottomless Fries

Onion Ring Tower

Variety

High School Musical poster

Cons:

Freezing cold

Jumping baby

Some questionable decor

A wait

The Experience:

For our 6th stop on our infamous burger tour, we dined at the one and only Red Robin in Millbury, Mass. (Not really, there are hundreds of Red Robins, but this makes it sound more exclusive) First of all, the plaza where RR is located was hoppin. In fact, there was a wait to get into the place.  We were forced to park approximately a mile from the restaurant itself, on the edge of what can only be described as a small ravine.  When we finally finished the treacherous hike to the front door and walked into Red Robin, the first thought that popped into our head was “There is not enough crap on the walls." Kidding, there are so many random movie posters and pictures of city skylines that we couldn't even tell you the color of the walls.  The neon lights on the walls were so bright and blinding that Shannon immediately regretted not wearing her transition lenses.

Congratulations. You did it.
World's best cup of coffee burger.

Apparently, 6:30 on a Thursday night is when all the cargo short, flat bill wearing, brace faced teenagers in the local area like to hit up the RR ...who knew?  Seeing as their moms dropped them off right at the front door, they made it to the RR before us, and we were forced to suffer through an agonizing 10 minute wait. Right off the bat, the staff was super friendly. It was like they couldn't open the door and hold it fast enough. But can you blame them? Emily and Shannon were convinced it was because of Victoria's eye-catching, Katie Holmes post-divorce inspired outfit #internproblems. Victoria figured it was because of Shannon and Emily's really, really ridiculously good looks. Victoria was correct.

At RR, every server was wearing a shirt that read “World’s Best Burger” across the back, and they sat us under a neon sign that said “World’s Greatest Burger," someone’s cocky. It’s like they knew we were there to judge them. Nothing like a little subtlety. 

After being escorted to a table by our borderline overly-friendly hostess, we realized that the place was pretty much an icebox, pack your snow pants. Shannon, a proud Girl Scout Brownie, was the only one prepared for extreme temperatures, and she quickly whipped out a sweatshirt. Emily and Victoria, who only achieved the Girl Scout Daisy level back in '97, were obviously less prepared and forced to huddle together on the same side of the booth to prevent their lips from turning blue. As it is mid July, you may assume wool socks aren't necessary for a trip to Red Robin, you would be wrong.

Shannon is very impressed by this
feat of engineering.

Seeing as Shannon had the night shift at the hospital awaiting her post burger tour, and Victoria and Emily were looking to pack on a few pounds, we decided to stock up on as much greasy food as possible. In other words, we totally caved and ordered the Towering Onion Rings, which are described by the RR as..."13 rings tall, this proves we really know how to pick ’em and stack ’em. Sweet yellow onions — breaded & crisply fried. Served with tangy Campfire Sauce and ranch dressing for dippin'." Thank god we found the stack on the menu, it was incredibly hard to decipher anything under that neon lighting.

Oh yeah and our waitress was totally Carly Rae Jepsen aka the Call Me Maybe girl. We decided that based on the latest nude-pic scandal involving the infamous 3 word song super star, she was probably trying to live a normal life and keep on the DL (which stands for 'down low' for our elder crowd). What better way to fly under the radar than by being a waitress at the RR? Genius girl. Can't wait for the next 3 word hit: "Red Robin Yum"? Just a suggestion.

We're all in this together. Except
Vanessa Hudgens and all her floral prints.

First of all, our waitress totally never told us what the sauces that accompanied the onion ring stack were. So there we were, three starving young women staring at these peculiar plastic condiment cups filled with a mysterious orange and white sauce. Honestly, that didn't stop us. We totally dug in the second Carly Rae Jepsen left, we didn't want her to think we were hungry or anything. This onion ring stack was killer by the way. Although Shannon isn't a huge chunky onion ring girl (she prefers the strings, what a diva) she still enjoyed the crispy and oily goodness.

As we were waiting for our food, every television in the restaurant was tuned to intense coverage of K 

Stew’s illicit affair with that scrawny, creepily mustached director. As fans of showering, owning shoes other than Converses, and smiling on occasion, we don’t love Kristen Stewart, but celeb gossip this juicy always catches our attention.  Emily was so caught up in her despair over R-Patz's broken heart that she didn't hear Carly Rae offer the table another round of beverages and was forced to sit through the remainder of dinner absolutely parched.

RR provides extra seasoning for your fries.
We chose not to touch it as we feel when you go out
to eat you shouldn't have to season your own food.

Then the burgers came!!! Such excitement. They came all wrapped up in some fancy paper and they came with bottomless fries! That would've been a super awesome feature if we hadn't cleaned up a towering stack of onions prior to. Victoria ordered the Whiskey River BBQ burger, just trying to bring it all back to her non existent Western roots, and Emily and Shannon followed suit. The burger was certainly juicy and very delicious and unbelievably easy to eat! We also decided that the fries were seasoned well, but too chunky. Like seriously the fries were like the width of our hands, you almost had to cut the damn things. It was vaguely like noshing on an entire mushy potato. Good thing Carly Rae gave us forks and knives...

When we finally surrendered to our massive food babies, Carly Rae brought us the check. Like, she didn't even ask if we wanted dessert. HOW RUDE. What if we wanted the Mountain High Mudd Pie? She didn't know that. And neither did we seeing as we didn't even get a dessert menu (We were reduced to performing a Google search to see what the place even offered). Guess she thought we would be full after our onion ring tower, bottomless fries and loaded burgers. This isn't amateur hour, we've been at this for a few months now. #insulted

Important Things to Consider:

Unless you feel like waiting to be seated, you might want to hit up Red Robin on a Tuesday at 3 pm. Who knew Red Robin was such a hot spot? The wait did make sense considering the parking lot was so full we had to park approximately a mile away. However, the far walk to the restaurant justified our purchase of an onion ring tower. #campfiresauce

That paper on the burgers we mentioned actually had a purpose. (Clearly the RR isn't going green any time soon. LOLZ.) It held the burger together while you headed into the thing face first. It was great because lettuce and onions and barbecue sauce didn't go every where. How refreshing. Victoria wasn't covered in ketchup for once and Joanne is now convinced she knows how to eat like a big girl. Yay!  Unfortunately, Shannon eagerly unwrapped her burger the minute it arrived as her common sense levels are minimal and finished dinner with barbecue sauce up to her elbows.  Thankfully Carly Rae was thoughtful enough to provide additional napkins.

Victoria and Shannon's new bestie. 

You will make friends at the RR. Just ask Shannon who instantly befriended the baby who was jumping behind us the whole entire time. Shannon is so above social networking sites. As long as she continues her RR appearances, she will have a 3 year old and under posse in no time. Ugh. Jeal.  Finally a group to watch all her favorite PBS shows with. Arthur re-runs, here she comes. Don't forget Teletubbies (who doesn't love a good bowl of tubby custard?) and Mister Rogers. Emily refused to acknowledge the child, jealous that she couldn't order the rad robin burger or carnival corn dog off the kid's menu. Victoria took the opportunity to take a few pics for the scrapbook.

For those of us working hard to hold onto a fabulous lifestyle much like poor Suri Cruise (Katie made her take a taxi and a commercial plane in the SAME WEEK. Apparently next week they have a subway trip planned? Eek.), your burger can be wrapped in lettuce. Eating burgers sans the bun is just so fabulous. Buns are totally for commoners and totally grungy I guess.  Yeah but there are some wild options: lettuce, whole wheat (yeah, because health is clearly our main mission), gluten-free, and onion.

Also, we need to talk about our options here for a second. Your classic burger accompaniments were offered like coleslaw, fries and salad (for those of you who like food with no taste), but then there was something really bizarre, Freckled Fruit Salad. Like what is that? Stick with fries people. And it's not like they provided a description as to what makes a fruit salad freckled, all we could think of was mold or gingers.

When you leave Red Robin, you will be full.  Like, really full.  As in, your nicest elastic waist pants will feel like they're cutting off circulation to your waist and food twins are growing in your stomach.  If you're headed home to slip into a coma for the next 13.5 hours, this is great.  However, if you're off to work an 8 hour night shift dealing with the nocturnal elderly population, you may want to consider a salad.

Red Robin is kind enough to make a wide selection of condiments available on the tables.  Not only are ketchup, mustard, and good old salt and pepper offered, but the RR provides each table with a bottle of its very own signature blend seasoning.  If you have the sudden desire to rip apart your fully formed burger, season the ground beef, and remold it into the patty shape of your choosing, you're in luck!

RATINGS (1-10 Scale)

Price (too expensive-1, fairly priced-10)...7

Service...9

Sides...7

Size...8

Presentation...7

Menu Choice...9

Deliciousness!/Flavor...8

Time to Get Food after Ordering...7

How Much Do I Feel Like I Have to Vomit After Eating (yes-1, no-10)...4

Bang for your Buck...7

TOTAL...73/100

Ruby Tuesday

32 Lyman Street Westborough plus over 800 other locations.
Clearly someone thinks they're really popular...

What We Ordered:


Classic Cheeseburger                                   

 Smokehouse Burger...Topped with aged New York cheddar,    

applewood smoked bacon, tangy barbecue sauce, and crisp onion            

rings.

Pros:
-Extensive list of side options
-Chunky shoestring fries
-Delicious cheddar biscuits

Cons:
-Interesting crowd
-Ketchup in another goddamn tin cup
-Questionable shape of burger...a little too perfect looking

 The Experience:

For this week's stop on the burger tour, our adventurous selves decided to once again stay within the confines of the Westborough bubble by eating at the Lyman Street Plaza's finest dining establishment, otherwise known as Ruby Tuesday. When we say finest, we mean it. The next classiest restaurant in this plaza is Subway, where they can't be bothered to serve ice from the soda machine, instead you have to grab a handful from a cooler #hygienic. Naturally we dressed to impress for our night on the town. Shannon was sporting her nicest running shorts, and Victoria even upgraded to yoga pants and a Polo t-shirt.  Emily tried to keep up in the fashion department rocking a rather conservative sweater, but it is quite a challenge when she hangs with such stylish friends.

Someone put a lot of a effort into
developing a catchy slogan...

We should start by saying that the crowd Ruby Tuesday attracts at 9 pm on a Friday can only be described as questionable. And we mean questionable, in every aspect of the word. We were immediately distracted by the couple feeding each other Asian dumplings at the table across from us.  Who said chivalry was dead?  Really, what better way is there to set the mood than by placing a deep fried potsticker into the mouth of your significant other at an all-American chain restaurant? Victoria was extremely jealous at this public display of affection seeing as no one has fed her since she was a mere toddler circa 1993. Seeing this riveting display of affection also must have been disheartening for the table-for-one seated beside them, who was spending a relaxing Friday night alone with a novel, glass of Cabernet, and sweater vest.  FUN TIMES. Note to self: Bring Fifty Shades of Grey next time. Maybe she could've struck up a conversation with one of the multiple middle-aged men drinking alone at the bar #woof.  Who would've known Ruby Tuesday was the spot to spend a wild Friday night? And by wild we mean so quiet that you are stared at for speaking at an audible whisper. 

When we finally finished surveying the crowd around us, we got down to business perusing the burger options.  This took an extended period of time, seeing as the burger section is hidden in an extremely obscure section of the menu.  By obscure, we mean smack in the center of the back page, but as honor students, this obviously took us about 10 minutes to discover. In fact, we all began to panic, thinking the joint didn't even sell certified angus. Can you imagine?

Once we found the “Fresh Handcrafted Burger” section, we initially were overwhelmed by the number of options. Then upon actual reading of said menu section, it became clear that in their book anything that can be served on bread is considered a burger. Ruby Tuesday’s management really needs to invest in a dictionary, because according to the Merriam Webster, a hamburger is defined as “a patty of ground beef," not a Chicken BLT or an Avocado Grilled Chicken Sandwich. Seriously, why can't they make another section on the menu, is that really too much to ask? Ruby Tuesday has such a way with words (i.e. "It's All Good Here"), I'm sure they can concoct something eye-catching.

Upon ordering our meals, we were asked what two sides we would like accompanying the burgers. TWO sides, the possibilities were endless! Well not really, there were like ten options, but still. Some of these delicious sides included fries, onion rings, and white cheddar mashed potatoes. There were also tomato, broccoli, and green bean options, but if you actually want to enjoy your meal, then these options should be ignored. Shannon and Victoria went with the classic 50/50 fries and onion rings option we were brilliantly introduced to us at Ted’s. Brandon you were a true pioneer. Emily was the picture of health, dipping her onion rings into the cheesy potatoes #heartattack.
 

Would it kill them to provide us with
more than crumbs for an appetizer?

The highlight of the dining experience was the arrival of the cheddar biscuits.  Ruby Tuesday is kind enough to provide these complementary balls of buttery, cheesy goodness free of charge, and the three of us inhaled them in approximately 2.7 seconds.  The only downside is that as a fine dining establishment, Ruby Tuesday provides only one per guest, so we we were unable to squirrel extras away in our purses as we may or may not do with the rolls at Bertucci's.  Come on, we are on a college budget here.


The cheesy biscuits did not provide enough sustenance for us to be held over for long, so we were far too excited when our meals arrived. Shannon had just finished working a 12 hour shift, and after her two diet cokes, the anticipatory burger jitters had been getting the best of her. Emily was also starving as it had been 45 minutes since her last snack. Victoria on the other hand was beyond the point of hunger and was ready to burst out crying.


Once the burgers arrived the unspoken race began. And you know what race I'm talking about...from the second the waitress places those heaping plates of food down in front of us, who in the heavens will finish first? Wolfing the buttery roll, handcrafted goodness and plentiful sides down were not a problem for any of us. These burgers were surprisingly satisfying. A fair amount of juiciness was provided and the flavor was there, the only questionable aspect was the actual shape of the burger. Why was the patty so perfect looking? The shape of the burger made Victoria extremely uneasy...was this a BJ's special? Victoria truly questioned the quality of the meat...if it even was that. Having read "Fast Food Nation" for 10th grade English class, Victoria could not help but picture tiny little ground up cow bones disguised as fat and flavor on her plate. #eek

Victoria was devastated no one was willing
to feed her like a small child.

Shannon was thrilled to get food after
bathing elders for 12 hours. (She is not a
nursing student, she does that for fun).

Emily was not so secretly admiring
the bald man at the bar.

Important Things to Consider:


Even though located in the buzzing metropolis that is Westborough, MA, one may want to dine at Ruby Tuesday's prior to 9 pm. Shockingly, most of the town was already in bed at this time, thus leaving only cat women and creepy middle aged men to keep us company.


RT's has recently redone their menu, or so we've heard. Prior to our burger research we can't say we've dined here frequently. When we go out it's The Capital Grille, or we're not eating. But sacrifices have to be made to enhance the hamburger knowledge of others #humanitarians. Anyway, the new menu is evidentially part of their push to be fancier. As they begin to cater to a classier audience, gym shorts may become socially unacceptable. Shannon may have to dine elsewhere.


Also, if it's your birthday, don't you dare go into RT's. Like seriously, their Happy Birthday song is even more annoying than Outback's. So for the sake of everyone else in the joint, celebrate your birthday at alternate locations please.


Travel in packs to Ruby Tuesday's. The parking lot is unbelievable creepy post 9pm on a Friday night. Even though we all attend schools in some questionable areas and most likely find ourselves in terrifying environments, the ghetto scene is foreign to the small suburb of Westborough and sadly exists. Buddy system people.

RATINGS (1-10 Scale)

Price (too expensive-1, fairly priced-10)...7

Service...7

Sides...9

Size...9

Presentation...8

Menu Choice...8

Deliciousness!/Flavor...8

Time to Get Food after Ordering...7

How Much Do I Feel Like I Have to Vomit After Eating (yes-1, no-10)...7

Bang for your Buck...7

TOTAL...77/100

Not Your Average Joe's

291 Turnpike Road, Westborough, MA and other places in Massachusetts, and two awkward restaurants in Virginia and Maryland

What we ordered: 

Southwest Burger- House-made BBQ
sauce and cheddar, topped with onion straws

Pros:

Delicious bread 

Onion straws

Cons:

Limited selection

Overeager waitress 

Can easily be seen

The Experience

Party in the USA #merica

As proud Americans, the weeks prior to and after the 4th of July are extremely busy for us. One day is just not sufficient time to celebrate the greatness that is the United States of America. But between the fireworks, glow sticks, and listening to the Star Spangled Banner on repeat, we were able to fit in some burger sampling. Prior to the sampling, Emily also dropped her precious iPhone, Stefon, into the sink, but still put on her game face for the tour, can you say dedication? Or obesity.


For the fourth stop on our burger tour, we ventured to Not Your Average Joe’s. This restaurant is located in what can only be referred to as Westborough’s “Little Asia," surrounded by Chinese and Indian cuisine that we carefully avoided. Also nearby is the often forgotten country club Indian Meadows. Clearly Westborough is culturally confused, because last time we checked, there aren't any meadows in India.

Shannon was upset we didn't hit up
Ming III for some pan Asian cuisine

Joe’s advertises itself as “creative casual cuisine.” Look at that alliteration, someone must have excelled in fourth grade English. This tagline was quite concerning. As future trophy wives, we prefer black tie optional dining, not casual. What are we, farmers? Eli Whitney was alive a billion years ago, the theme is a little too late.

The menu at Joe’s had a whopping four burger options! They also had a turkey burger and a veggie burger. These two options are not being included in our count, because if we wanted something that tasted that bland, we would have put ketchup on a cardboard box and called it dinner. Emily decided on the Southwestern Burger, as she is never one to pass up the opportunity to clog her arteries with crispy onions strings. And like Outback all over, Victoria and Shannon decided to copy said order as they have great admiration for Emily’s sophisticated palate.

While waiting for our burgers, we got to enjoy the flavor sensation that is NYAJ’s bread. The flaky bread topped with onions is delicious when doused in an oil and parmesan cheese concoction. We were unable to control our consumption of said bread, and found it was difficult to eat our burgers after devouring a whole loaf of the focaccia goodness.

Emily was very upset about her iPhone troubles.
She was at Joe's to eat her feelings.

The last five times Emily has feasted at NYAJ’s, she has had the same waitress. And every time, Marlow loves to ask how your meals are prior to you actually taking a bite of food. Without fail, this leads to extreme awkwardness, as you actually have no idea how your meal will taste. In response, we just mumbled and stared at our burgers until she walked away.


The burgers were certainly juicy and at times a little hard to eat. Also, the "creative casual cuisine" motto really threw off everyone's burger eating etiquette (two can play the alliteration game). Should we cut our burger up? Into halves? Devour it? Had we known this tolerance for casual attire existed, Victoria wouldn't have put such an effort into getting ready. She was wearing her fanciest gym shorts.

Important Things to Consider

-Bread baskets are dangerous.  Unless you plan on asking the staff to literally roll you out of the restaurant, you may want to avoid devouring the bread like feral children the way we did.

-NYAJ's is one of those restaurants that thinks it's fancy because it serves you ketchup in a small tin dish.  Ummm, no thank you.  In this instance, fancy is another word for cheap.  We are all aware that this ketchup came from a bottle of all-American Heinz 57. I mean really, you might as well ration us each a single packet and call it a day. For avid ketchup fanatics like Shannon, a full ketchup bottle on the table is a necessary accompaniment for any burger.  

-The intimate dining experience at NYAJ's and the prime location along route nine make the restaurant the prime place to run into people you really hoped you would never see again post WHS graduation. If you are lucky enough to score a booth, you have the ability to hide which relieves some stress. But otherwise, dining at NYAJ's is a risky choice. You will definitely be seen at this place, so we recommend not looking like you just came from the Walmart across the street. 

RATINGS (1-10 Scale)

Price (too expensive-1, fairly priced-10)...8

Service...5

Sides...8

Size...8

Presentation...8

Menu Choice...7

Deliciousness!/Flavor...8

Time to Get Food after Ordering...8

How Much Do I Feel Like I Have to Vomit After Eating (yes-1, no-10)...6

Bang for your Buck...8

TOTAL...74/100